Safe Place Manual - When Someone Comes Out to You

Helping GLBT People Out of the Closet

When someone comes out to you, they share the information about their sexual orientation or gender identity with a keen awareness of the risks involved: the risk of losing their relationship with you, the risk of being rejected, the risk of being misunderstood and many other risks.

When someone comes out to you, the news may come as a total surprise or you may have already considered the possibility that this person might be GLBT; however it should not be important to you one way or the other. After someone comes out to you they may feel scared, be wondering why they came out, feel shocked, in disbelief, uncomfortable, angry, not sure what to do next, etc.

What NOT to say to someone who has just come out to you:

  • You’re just going through a phase.
  • It’s just because you’ve never had a relationship with someone of the opposite gender.
  • You can’t be gay—you’ve had relationships with people of the opposite gender.
  • You can’t be a lesbian—you’re too pretty.
  • You’re just confused.
  • Maybe you can find a therapist who can help you get over this.

 

Remember that the person who has just come out to you has not changed. They are still the same person you knew before, you just have more information about them than you did before. Don&8217;t assume in advance you know what it means for them to be GLBT. Every person&8217;s experience is different. They may not want you to necessarily do anything. They may just need someone to listen. Consider it an honor that they have trusted you with this very personal information. Thank them for trusting you. If you would like more information, ask in an honest and respectful way. If you show genuine and respectful interest in their life, they will most likely appreciate it.

Some good questions to ask are:

  • How long have you known you are GLBT?
  • Are you seeing anyone special?
  • Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
  • Is there some way I can help you?
  • Have I ever offended you unknowingly?
  • Have you found someone who can be supportive?

 

-Adapted from “Coming Out to Your Parents” published by FLAG

-Adapted from “About Coming Out” published by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force

What might people who are GLBT be afraid of when they come out?

  • Rejection—loss of relationships with friend or family
  • Gossip
  • Harassment or abuse
  • Being thrown out of the family
  • Being thrown out of the house
  • Discrimination
  • Being seen as sick, immoral, or perverted
  • Loss of financial support
  • Not being accepted in their religious community
  • Losing their job
  • Having their professional credibility questioned or undermined
  • Physical violence
  • Effected school performance.

 

How might people who are GLBT feel about coming out to someone?

  • Scared
  • Vulnerable
  • Unsure—wondering how the person will react
  • Relieved
  • Proud

 

What might people who are GLBT want from people when they come out to?

  • Acceptance
  • Support
  • Understanding
  • Comfort
  • Reassurance that their relationship with you won’t be negatively affected
  • Closer relationship
  • Acknowledgement of their feelings
  • Love
- Adapted from PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays